Dear Juniper,
You turned one month old yesterday. I can’t even begin to tell you how much you have changed even in such a short time. You were born 7 lbs. 15 oz. (your dad rounds up to 8 lbs.) and just a few weeks ago, at your 2-week check up, you weighed 9 lbs. 4 oz. and measured 20 ¾”. Just in case you’re wondering why I don’t have your original height down, it’s because I don’t know it. Believe it or not, I wasn’t all completely aware of everything that was going on around me immediately after your birth. There were many things happening all at once. Your dad was bouncing around the room, beaming proud, and taking pictures of various random things, but mostly of you, no doubt. And not to mention the doctor was still “down there” encouraging me to deliver the placenta, which, when all was said and done, felt like the relief of pressure that one feels after having taken a huge dump. Even after that though, I still was not quite aware of my surroundings because right about then, the doctor was sewing me up and I was all giving her the “how dare you hurt me” look as she guided her needle and thread through the most sensitive area of my body—apparently the local anesthetic was perhaps just a little too local and didn’t provide a lot of coverage.
The delivery went quite well. I had my first labor pains around 5 a.m. on the morning of Wednesday, November 5, 2008. I woke up from what seemed to me like cha-cha pains. I remember thinking to myself that it may have been those ribs that I ate the night before. After having talked to my mom on the phone, I made your daddy run out to City Barbeque that night for some $1/bone ribs—not because I’m cheap, but because they have the best barbeque AND because your daddy is cheap parsimonious.
Why after having talked to my mom? One, because she happened to mention City Barbeque, which in turn gave me a craving and two, because she happened to mention that there is an old Korean belief that if you eat ribs while pregnant, it expedites the whole baby coming out process. And I was All About expediting the whole baby coming out process.
So, I lay there in bed thinking it could’ve been the ribs, but then there’s something else that is triggering my brain: these so-called cha-cha pains? They’re coming at regular intervals. Tell-tale signs of labor. So I went to the bathroom and noticed some spotting. A phone call to the perinatal clinic later and it was confirmed, this was the Big Moment!
The day continued with labor pains steadily increasing in strength. Your dad came home from work and spent the day catching up on his sleep laboring with me. Seriously, your dad was great—very supportive—and drove me to the hospital at 4:30 p.m. when I thought I couldn’t take it any more. And he continued to be supportive when he drove me back home after they rejected me (I was only 2 cm. dilated—I had to be 4). He cooked me a pizza and bought me a heating pad (that didn’t work. Literally.) and endured my histrionics.
At about 3 a.m. (Thursday, now) he drove me back to the hospital where the nurse was nice and said I was close enough to 4 cm. to be admitted. Your dad wanted me to get the epidural immediately so that he could sleep so as to relieve my pain. I didn’t want to appear weak, so I waited until 5 a.m. at which point sleep became more important than being “strong”.
Afterward, your dad and I enjoyed sleeping through what, according to the monitor, were some harsh labor pains for the majority of the rest of the day. Around 3 p.m. I started feeling through the epidural on the right side of my body and the kind anesthesiologist re-did the epidural. Thank God for that, because if mommy had to go through birthing you feeling the true pain of it, I don’t know what would’ve happened. At around 5:00-5:30 p.m., I had the urge to start pushing and at 6:01 p.m. you were born.
Labor, in hindsight, wasn’t so bad. Keep in mind I’m writing this about a month after having given birth. It’s amazing how quickly our bodies heal and forget. I remember feeling, not so much overwhelmed, and not quite in shock either… but… you know? I’m not quite sure how I felt right after the delivery. I couldn’t believe that I had a baby, that’s for sure. I remember feeling not quite connected to you just yet. I’m not sure if that was a product of a difficult pregnancy (not difficult as in problematic—although we did have to monitor your heart for a PAC (premature atrial contraction) for awhile, but that remedied itself nicely—but difficult in that it was depressing for me to see the changes happening to my body—believe it or not, your mama was, or felt like she was, a little minx and the loss of my sex appeal was in a way a loss of identity and it was difficult for me to deal with) or if that’s just the way my brain decided to react to child birth. Either way, it doesn’t mean that my love for you is any less than any other mother’s love for her child. In fact, I cannot even begin to describe the love that I feel in my heart and soul for you.
It’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment I fell in love with you. It could’ve been your perfectly formed face, your blue-grey eyes, or how your blue-grey eyes look up at me when you’re breast feeding. Sometimes, when you attach to my breast, you open your eyes wide and your blue-grey eyes dart around as if you CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE ACTUALLY ON MY BOOB! The best part is when you do this, your hands go on either side of your face and your little fingers fan out as if they too, CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE ACTUALLY ON MY BOOB!
If it wasn’t any of those reasons, then it’s definitely when you stick out your butt and throw your head back and flash a wide, closed-mouth grin while you raise your eyebrows and fold both arms under your chin, all Shirley Temple like. Sometimes your hands are clutched in fists and other times they might be grasping at your cheeks or stretched completely out. Either way, this particular maneuver just happens to tickle me to death and I find myself looking forward to each time you do it. In all actuality, I think it is because of all of these little quirks and mannerisms that I’m in love with you. You have such a great personality. Even when you cry squeak.
Love,
Your mama
